Sometimes, I wake up in the morning feeling a little bit grumpy because it's time to do it all again. Same routine everyday! Nothing different, or spectacular or probably dramatic. It's just the same old thing! On days like this, I wished I could stay in bed, pull the sheet over my head without having to do anything. Knowing that isn't an option, I just stay in bed for awhile juggling thoughts in my head, I then have some conversation with God. Hesitantly, I get out of bed, shower, get dressed, put on some bright makeup, and then go to work.
Could be you feel the same way too . . . These are days I sleuth over my life lived, to ask, is this how I've planned all along?
My psyche is to plan for everything, being meticulous, prim to the gilt ensure I have a well laid out plan. I always want to understand and give a reason or answer to everything in my life. I don't like to be caught off guard or in the middle of unpleasant surprises.
Life is so daily and often filled with uncertainty, a reality that can make me very nervous. I want to know what the plan is and how that plan is going to be implemented. Details! I need details! The problem with people like me is that when our plans gets altered in anyway, it actually almost tears us down. Though I will always put up the boldness like it's all under control, deep within me I am probably shattered and a complete wreck.
Sitting all alone, looking at 2016 and how well I thought I had planned for 2016, I would say, it’s been a good year but a really tough season with lots of topsy turvy ups, unplanned events and the goosebumps of economic recession. Dare I say, for our country, tensions are running high, so many uncertainties and it's incomprehensible complexity
Now, wrapping up the year,trying to do my checks and balances, I'm not exactly sure 2016 went as planned. Many of the things entrusted to me in life were beginning to feel more like burdens than blessings. There were just a lot of little things swamping my thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy. There are so many things I’m responsible for and I'm not sure I got them all done before the end of the year. I do enough to keep things from sinking. But I just wonder if I did everything well. I wonder if I kept the relationships in my life going well. I wonder about a lot of things . . . For me when things aren't t going as planned, I build walls around my heart and I don’t want to let anyone in, especially if I know they’ll challenge me. Maybe it’s because I’m who I am, or because I am fearful of unfamiliar turf. I throw out people that matter, when feeling weak or vulnerable.
In the last few days of this year, I planned out a trip to Ilorin, so I could spend sometime with my childhood friend and her family. Initially, trusting my makeup, which is to cancel the trip, on a second thought, I told myself I needed to do something different. Even though the trip was unplanned, it was the one best decision I've made this year. Could I pause to say, my friend has got 3 boys, ages 7, 5 and 4 so I call her Toyin and her squad.
Spending time with them, watching them turn the house upside down, watching the boys fight, watching their mum settle fights, watching them play and all that . . . It brought so much rays of light to my prism heart.
Year 2016, didn’t exactly go as planned I didn't achieve all I wanted, yet there were many wonderful things, which I didn't ask for that I got. The gift of each new day in 2016. The blessing of good health. The strength and grace to keep the office going. The promotion at work. The victories I have. The jewels of goodly sort that I call my family, my love for you guys is beyond what words can express. Oluwatamilore and Nadiv, I love you to the moon and beyond. For my mum and dad, thank you for moulding me into the woman I have become.Oluwamayowa I would pick you over and over again as my sister. Thank you for giving me an awesome elder brother that I never had. Samuel, Jay and Ladi, thank you for being my bigger fans. Thank you for always cheering me and believing in me. For my Git family, seeing your faces gives me a reason to go on even when I get so close to giving up. You give me the strength to still walk through those doors every day. Bolanle, Modupe, Oluwatodimu, and Motun I can't call you colleagues. I call you my family. My love for you guys is far beyond phantomable words. Hope, Omolola, Tope, Opeoluwa, Temi, Ebuka, Tunde, Abiodun, I hold you dear to my heart. For the rare gift of good friends that I have in my life. Damola, Rali, Morenike, Kofo, Bukky, Molly, Femi, Inioluwa, despite the distance between us, our friendship still stands. I love you guys plenty. Alimi sometimes I wonder how we are still friends . . . Lol . . . You know I appreciate our friendship and I love you. To Toyin and her squad, thank you always. . . By the way Ayomi is still my favourite member of the squad. . . *wink*. To you my dear friend, I know you would not want me to mention your name. Thank you for being there despite all the odds. Thank you for standing with me through turbulent times. You walked right by my side when I thought the journey was getting too exhausting. I wish I could tell you just how much you mean to me. Faced with the risk of drowning, you remained as an anchor for me. I love you so very much and you know you are irreplaceable. To the author and finisher of my faith. . . Oluwa e tobi. Ko si eni ti mo le fi se akawe yin.
Indeed, I have so much to be grateful for looking back at the year 2016. It didn’t go as I planned but I can say it ended well.
